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When Israel grabs land, the U.S. grabs a thesaurus [satire]

The U.S. State Department spokesperson and her deputy are finding it difficult to  continue condemning Israeli plans to build more settlements in the West Bank.

U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry with Deputy Chief of Staff Jon Finer, Assistant Secretary for European and Eurasian Affairs Victoria Nuland, and State Department Spokesperson Jen Psaki. (State Dept. Photo)

U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry with Deputy Chief of Staff Jon Finer, Assistant Secretary for European and Eurasian Affairs Victoria Nuland, and State Department Spokesperson Jen Psaki. (State Dept. Photo)

Marie Harf, Deputy State Department Spokesperson: Hi Jen.

Jen Psaki, State Department Spokesperson: Hi Marie, sup?

Harf: Not much. Hey, did you see Obama’s suit?

Psaki: I know, right?? What’s UP with THAT?

Harf: I literally spilled my vente pumpkin spice latte.

Psaki: I know, right?? Anyway, sup?

Harf: So, the Israelis announced they’re gonna do this huge land appropriation.

Psaki: Fuck. Not again.

Harf: I know, right??

Psaki: So listen, type me up something along the lines of “We condemn in the strongest terms, the –”

Harf: — sorry, we can’t use “condemn”.

Psaki: Why not?

Harf: Used it before.

Psaki: Oh. OK. So, let’s do “decry”.

Harf: Nope.

Psaki: We did “decry”?

Harf: Yup. Just before the Biden visit, remember?

Psaki: OK, OK. How about “denounce”?

Harf: Nope.

Psaki: “Deplore”?

Harf: Sorry.

Psaki: Wait, how many times have they done this?

Harf: Do you really want me to answer that?

Psaki: No, no… I don’t. OK, “bemoan”?

Harf: Nah.

Psaki: We’ve used “bemoan”? What kind of press secretary would use that? Jesus.

Harf: I know, right??

Psaki: “Lament”?

Harf: Not sure, but I just shiver at the thought of what Matt Lee might say about that.

Psaki: Yuck.

Harf: I know. Yuck. Matt Lee. Blechhh…

Psaki: “Disapprove”?

Harf: Nope.

Psaki: “Regret”?

Harf: Ha, you’re funny.

Psaki: “Oppose”.

Harf: Nah, don’t forget AIPAC.

Psaki: Fuck!

Harf: I know, ri–

Psaki: –Shut up, Marie!

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    COMMENTS

    1. josh c

      This is quite possibly the worst thing i’ve seen all week..

      Reply to Comment
    2. bor

      Your poetry was better.

      Reply to Comment
    3. Danny

      In an ideal world, this would be the phone conversation between Kerry and Bibi:

      Kerry: Hi, Mr. Prime Minister.

      Bibi: Hi, Mr. Secretary.

      Kerry: I heard on the news that you’ve appropriated 1000 acres in the West Bank.

      Bibi: Yeah. It’s our appropriate zionist response to the heinous kidnapping of our 3 boys.

      Kerr: Okay. That’s not going to happen.

      Bibi: Huh?

      Kerry: Please get on the radio or TV or your Facebook page or your Twitter or whatever medium you use to communicate with your voters, and say that after reviewing that idea, your government has decided to scrap those plans because they are patently illegal.

      Bibi: But…

      Kerry: And another thing, Mr. Prime Minister.

      Bibi: Yes?

      Kerry: We are seriously looking at Chairman Abbas’ plan for a 3 year Israeli withdrawal from the West Bank. It’s an interesting idea, that we are now considering.

      Bibi: Uhhhhh….

      Kerry: Here’s the thing, Mr. Prime Minister. If we ever hear of another Israeli land grab in the West Bank, for whatever reason – real or imagined – that 3 year withdrawal I just mentioned? It will become a 2 year withdrawal. You get my drift?

      Bibi: Ummmm….

      Kerry: Do I make myself clear?

      Bibi: Jeez, the connection on this line is pretty bad… I’m afraid you’re breaking up…

      Reply to Comment
      • CigarButNoNice

        In an ideal world—

        Kerry: Hi, Mr. Prime Minister.

        Feiglin: Hi, Mr. Secretary.

        Kerry: I heard on the news that you’ve appropriated 1000 acres in the West Bank.

        Feiglin: No, Mr. Secretary. I have liberated 1000 acres in Judea and Samaria.

        Kerry: Okay. That’s not going to happen.

        Feiglin: This is not for you to decide.

        Kerry: As a representative of the leader of the free world, I do.

        Feiglin: As a leader of the indigenous people of the Land of Israel, the Jewish people, I act out of an authority higher than yours.

        Kerry: Maybe you can do without our aid.

        Feiglin: Yes, we can do without your extortion in the form of a military loan. That’s why I’ve allocated a good amount of resources toward Israel’s economic and military industrial independence.

        Kerry: Have you given thought to the Samantha Power option?

        Feiglin: We’re not 1990s Serbia, Mr. Secretary. You know very well what option we possess that Serbia unfortunately lacked.

        Kerry: Uhhhh…

        Feiglin: Here’s the thing, Mr. Secretary. If we ever hear of another American plan to appease the Islamic imperialist aggressor on the Jewish state’s expense, the scheduled plan of removing the Arab settler-colonists from the parts of the Land of Israel they are currently illegally occupying will be put into practice earlier than expected. You understand?

        Kerry: Ummmm…

        Feiglin: Do I make myself clear?

        Kerry: Jeez, the connection on this line is pretty bad… I’m afraid you’re breaking up…

        Reply to Comment
        • Danny

          Hahaha. You’re a funny guy.

          Reply to Comment
        • Say that again?

          “That’s why I’ve allocated a good amount of resources toward Israel’s economic and military industrial independence.”

          *chortle*

          And what “resources” would that be?

          The Israeli budget is less than $100billion.

          Considering the recurring costs that is built into that budget (as it is for every national budget), an Israeli PM wouldn’t even have enough discretionary spending to cover the loss of $3 billion in US military aid – it would blow a massive hole in the budget that would be way, way too big to paper over.

          The idea that he would have enough discretionary spending to completely overhaul the “economic and military industrial independence” of the Israeli economy is, frankly, so utterly delusional that not even Kerry would be suckered in by such chutzpah.

          Reply to Comment
        • Steve

          Insane! Comical, but when you get to the point where you call the INDIGENOUS ARABS “settler colonists” you lost me. How unbelievably racist and untrue. Not even the most racist Americans would call the Native Americans settlers. You’re the new people there man, not the Arabs. And also, Israel would crumble without US and EU support. You’re only a tiny nation of 5m, without friends you’d be screwed, no matter how much you want to puff up your chest about it.

          Reply to Comment
          • Whiplash

            Considering that the Arabs did not originate in Israel or the area known as Mandate Palestine, or Syria, or Iraq, or Lebanon or Jordan or the Maghreb, how are they indigenous? Arabs came as part of the Imperial Islamic forces which came out of the Arabian peninsula and conquered, burnt, looted, enslaved, and colonized other people’s lands. Meanwhile the Jewish people of Israel were a group of people who separated out from among the Canaanite people in the Bronze age and became a Nation state in the Iron Age. Jews have a continuous presence in Israel since the bronze age and are the indigenous people.

            The Arabs like to represent that they as the indigenous people have a right to exclude the Jews from the land in Judea and Samaria also known as the West Bank. They are not, and have no such right. They have no exclusive claim to the land they want for their state.

            I do not support the expulsion of any Arab or Jew from his home, whether it be in Israel or Judea and Samaria. However, if the Arabs act to expel Jews from Judea and Samaria without the consent of the Jewish state, the Arabs may find themselves facing another Naqba from which there will be no return.

            Reply to Comment
    4. Jan

      Here is the conversation.

      Netanyahu: I am about to steal a lot of Palestinian land to build a lot more Jewish only settlements and you had better not say anything about it or I’ll sic AIPAC on you and every Democrat. So shut up and bow down to me. You know your place.

      Kerry: Yes, sir.

      Netanyahu: I’m not finished yet. I want you to fly the Israeli flag over the White House, the Capitol and every State and Federal building in the US just to let the American people who is boss. And if you don’t I’ll sic AIPAC on you.

      Kerry (meekly) Yes, master.

      Reply to Comment
    5. ***Meanwhile the Jewish people of Israel were a group of people who separated out from among the Canaanite people in the Bronze age and became a Nation state in the Iron Age. Jews have a continuous presence in Israel since the bronze age and are the indigenous people.***

      And originally all of Mankind originated in central Africa. Maybe we should all consider ourselves indigenous to Africa?

      It just doesn’t work that way.

      The Arabs that lived in Palestine at the time Zionists arrived there, did so perfectly legally. But Zionism expelled about 750,000 of them ILLEGALLY.

      Those are facts, contrary to your wet dream ‘who was first, the chicken or the egg?’ fantasies.

      Reply to Comment
      • Kolumn8

        Jews are the indigenous people of the land of Israel. You can’t argue this fact so you try to counter with some nonsensical reduction to absurdity fallacy. But here is a fact – it did and does work that way. We are back in our homeland.

        Many Arabs, who have no claim to be indigenous to the land of Israel whatsoever, left as a result of a war that they launched against the Jewish population of Israel. After trying to massacre us all neither they nor their descendants will enter Israel as much more than tourists [if we decided to be charitable] ever again.

        Reply to Comment
    6. Whiplash

      Now you are switching gears from indigenous to legal. Sure Arabs were legal colonists in Southern Syria, on the east and west banks of the Jordan River, in Jerusalem and in the province administered from Beirut. They did not constitute an identifiable people much less have a nation state. The census of the Ottoman Empire and other Muslim Empires never recognized a Palestinian people.

      The Jews who lived in Arab lands before the British administered the Mandate for Palestine were legally classified as a people and treated as second class citizens, legally prevented from buying real property in their own country in what is now Israel of Samaria and Judea.

      Under the Mandate for Palestine, Jews were legally entitled to settle, develop and consult with the mandate government. Those rights under the Mandate for Palestine formed a sacred trust and were not revoked but enshrined in the Charter of the United Nations as being incapable of being changed without the consent of the people being affected.

      In 1947 and 1948 the Arab Palestinians in defiance of the legal rights of the Jewish people began a war of genocide to extinguish the Jewish state and its inhabitants. The Arab states in defiance of their obligations under the Charter of the UN attacked the newly minted Israeli state.

      Israel legally exercised her right of self defense. The Arabs suffered a resounding defeat which shattered their society. Their people fled the war and had no right to return to attempt war once more with the Israeli state.

      Jordan and Egypt illegally took possession of territories to which they had no claim of sovereignty. Contrary to the rights of Jewish people under the Mandate as ratified by the Charter of the UN, Jordan and Egypt cleansed Gaza and the West Bank of Jewish people.

      In 1967 Israel liberated both territories and restored the possibility of Jewish people exercising their legal right to live in Judea and Samaria or Gaza.

      Reply to Comment
      • Ray

        OK, so if Chief Jumping Turkey goes with his army of braves to the people of Mobile Alabama, and tells them that they all have to leave because his ancestors lived there a thousand years ago, it would be OK by Israeli moral standards?

        Reply to Comment
    7. GKJames

      More likely:

      [Pre-announcement]

      Jerusalem: We’ll be announcing it tomorrow. Put on your dance shoes.

      Washington: OK. But this time it’ll need to be a double pirouette. We’ll be using the usual but add a little extra zing, something like “profoundly destabilizing.” Otherwise, somebody might recognize our criticism for the charade that it is.

      Jerusalem [chuckling]: Understood. No problem. We’ll make sure that one of our reliables comes out with an opinion piece about how unwise it is to displease our only ally. It’ll give the show a veneer of legitimacy.

      Washington: By the way, has Angela said anything?

      Jerusalem: Nah; she’s Miss Reliable when it comes to this stuff. She’ll mutter something about our being “unhelpful,” but that’s about it. She’s never going to stand in the way of our driving a stake through the heart of the two-state solution. As for the rest of that motley Euro crowd, they can go f*** themselves.

      Washington [laughing]: It’s really amazing. No matter how many times we do this dance, it always works. You do what you want, we pretend to object, and the world goes on. If there’s one suggestion I’d make — and mind you, we don’t have the slightest intent to interfere in your grand plan — it’s that you should stop bothering with such small chunks; do the entire thing in one or two grabs.

      Jerusalem: Now you’re talking! You think the Jordanians would look the other way if we chased the Arabs across the bridge?

      Washington: Ouch, that’s a tough one. And a lot of people. I’ll see if we can lean on the little Hashemite — something like, Dude, you play ball with us or your already wobbly Disney kingdom that, from the air, looks like a box of cat litter, is definitely toast — we might be able to make it happen. You think the Saudis’ll pony up the cash?

      Jerusalem: It’s always worth asking.

      Reply to Comment