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PLAY the Ehud Barak Game: “If I were ____, I would surely ____”

Israeli Defense Minister Ehud Barak likes to imagine himself in different positions. And I don’t mean that in a kinky way. Yesterday he told Charlie Rose that if he were Iranian he’d probably want the bomb, too.

In 1998, as many of you recall, Barak told Haartez journalist Gideon Levy that if he had been born Palestinian, he would have joined a terror organization, too.

So, who will Barak imagine to be next? Mexican? Korean? An Ozzie?

Or maybe, he’d like to be something or someone totally different? Maybe he’d like to be Madonna? Or Eddie Murhpy? Or a piece of blue cheese?

Tell ya what – I’ll pitch it over to our readers. This is your chance to show some creativity.

I’ll give it the first go:

Ehud Barak: “If I were Greek, I’d surely be a lazy bum, too.”

Ehud Barak: “If I were Charlie Sheen, I’d surely be wasted by now, too.”

Over to you!

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    1. If I were Ehud Barak, I would surely embarrass my nation with predictable narcissistic hubris.

      Reply to Comment
    2. Zach, that’s funny – but doesn’t exactly follow the rules of the game 🙂
      Remember, Barak wants to be OTHER people…

      Reply to Comment
    3. AYLA

      honestly, Ami, I’m just happy to see you perpetuating the proper use of the subjunctive tense/mood. 🙂 Play on.

      Reply to Comment
    4. Shelly

      Since anything goes, how about:
      “If I were a rich man, I’d be Ehud Barak.”
      “If I were Michael Jackson, I’d have OD’d on Proponol.
      But to be serious for a moment:
      I’d like to open the discussion to other aspects of this man. Why is he so universally hated in this country? Wasn’t he the prime mover of Israel’s exit from Lebanon after twenty wasted years and who knows how many young lives cut even shorter?
      How many other Israeli politicos are there who have detached us from ongoing miserable situations?

      Reply to Comment
    5. @shelly – very good!
      I suppose it depends on who you ask. If you ask Israelis, it’s probably since he’s one of the biggest zig zaggers, dishonest and arrogant politicians around.
      If you ask a Palestinian, it’s probably because he’s responsible for killing more Palestinians than any other Israeli around.

      Reply to Comment
    6. Jalal

      Ehud Barak: “If I were the Defense Minister, I’d surely be a terrorist, too.”
      oh wait

      Reply to Comment
    7. @jalal – not bad at all, pretty snarky if i may say so myself 🙂

      Reply to Comment
    8. “If i was living in the cartonbox-hood in Tel-Aviv, i’d surely be a land invader (and swimming now in floods), too”

      Reply to Comment
    9. @assaf – nice one!

      Reply to Comment
    10. Danny

      1. “If I were Justin Bieber, I would carry a box of condoms wherever I went.”

      2. “If I were Qaddafi, I would rather jump off the 20th floor of Akirov rather than hide in a drain pipe.”

      3. “If I were an honest man, with integrity, warmth and charm, I wouldn’t be Ehud Barak.”

      Reply to Comment
    11. @danny – pretty good! especially the Bieber. 🙂

      Reply to Comment
    12. Henry Weinstein

      If I were a carpenter
      And you were a lady,
      Would you marry me, Ami?

      If I were Karen Carpenter
      And you were my brother,
      Would you let me sing A Song For You, Ami?

      If I were the Virgin Mary
      And you were my baby,
      Would you believe me, Ami?

      Reply to Comment
    13. Danny

      And another one:
      “If I were the prime minister of Israel… oh, wait, I WAS the prime minister of Israel. I nearly forgot about that…”

      Reply to Comment
    14. @danny – you’re on a roll.
      @henry – although you’re creativity is extremely admirable, you’re stretching the rules of the game. It has to be: Ehud Barak: “If I were ____, I’d surely ______, too!”
      But then again, it’s just a game 🙂

      Reply to Comment
    15. ABU KHALED

      if i were a cold blooded murderer I would probably be Israel’s “Defense” minister…

      Reply to Comment
    16. Karen

      If I were a woman, I’d surely put on my best dress, go to Beirut and assassinate some PLO dudes.


      Reply to Comment
    17. Ok Ami, let me play by the rules:

      If I were young, educated and Israeli, I’d surely be moving to Berlin like everyone else.

      If I were American, I’d surely be siding with Ron Paul on the subject of Israel.

      If I were Vladimir Putin, I’d surely be suppressing free speech and dissent.

      Reply to Comment
    18. ooooo you guys are getting better at this!

      Reply to Comment
    19. jeremy

      “if I was Jerry Sandusky,I’d be banging little boys in the Penn State locker room!” Ehud Barak.

      Reply to Comment
    20. @jeremy – classic!

      Reply to Comment
    21. directrob

      If I were powerful and corrupt I would be rich too …

      Reply to Comment

      If I were a state that valued Jews, I would surely be a state that valued Arabs too…

      Reply to Comment
    23. Henry Weinstein

      Playing The Ehud Barak By The Rules
      . . .
      # If I were Lady Gaga, I would be an Israeli Sexual Bomb.
      # If I were an Iranian nuclear scientist, I would work since my teens for the Mossad.
      # If I were Rudyard Kipling, I would write a nuclear holocaust poem called If.
      # If I were BaraCk Obama, I would do something to win the War Nobel.
      # If I were a dinosaur, I would still be Defense Minister in Israel.
      . . .

      Reply to Comment
    24. RichardNYC

      If I were Ami Kaufman, I’d be back-slapping Palestinians for making jokes about wanting to destroy my country! 🙂

      Reply to Comment
    25. RichardNYC

      If I were an actual Palestinian refugee, in a camp, I’d resent the hell out other Palestinians who want me to live the rest of my life w/o any rights at all for honor’s sake! 🙂

      Reply to Comment
    26. sinjim

      If I were RichardNYC, I could teach a master class on how to drop a turd in a punch bowl.

      Reply to Comment
    27. RichardNYC

      Why so seriousss??!! Its a joke buddy – lighten the eff up!!

      Reply to Comment
    28. After a long hard day at work, this made my day. Thanks guys.

      Reply to Comment
    29. actually, i think sinjim got it right.

      Reply to Comment
    30. @henry – huge improvement

      Reply to Comment
    31. RichardNYC

      This comment has been deleted and the user banned from the site

      Reply to Comment
    32. Mitchell Cohen

      If I was an employee for Israel Electric, I would have unlimited, free electricity for life [as I don’t have enough pirks as it is]….

      Reply to Comment
    33. @mitchell – very good, and very true!

      Reply to Comment
    34. directrob

      If I were a labor politician I would surely fight equality too.

      Reply to Comment
    35. bat israel

      kolhakavod! finally Richardnyc has been banned. his comments were always so basic and frustrating, if not insulting. probably he thinks to be very brilliant

      Reply to Comment
    36. If I were an Iranian who wanted the Bomb, I would change my mind now that I had Ehud Barak’s empathy.

      If I were a Palestinian in a terror organization, I’d tell my comrades that if a guy with beady eyes and a lisp and dressed as a woman asks if he can join, they should start screaming and run.

      Reply to Comment
    37. oooo…. Larry is showing everybody how it’s done! 🙂

      Reply to Comment
    38. @Shelly: “Wasn’t he the prime mover of Israel’s exit from Lebanon”. Formally: yes. But only after he deliberately quit the talks with the palestinians (very bad idea), to move to the Syrian table where he expected to receice more, but deceived Assad sen. in Geneva, thus reached nothing, and finally rushed out of southern Lebanon. Fine for a generation of young israeli recruits, true, but a catastrophe for the SLA and all who where suspects to have collaborated with Israel: a way to destroy every trust on the side of your allies. Not to speak about how he blowed the Camp David talks in 2000.

      Reply to Comment
    39. Poyani

      If I were president, I would be sexually assaulting my female staff too!

      If I were the president of France, I would think Netanyahu is a liar too!

      If I were poor and unemployed, I would pitch a tent in Tel Aviv too!

      If I were an American tea-bagger, I would be making racist comments about Obama too!

      If I were PM in the 1980s, I would invade Lebanon too!

      If I were a 19th century French emperor, I would invade Russia too!

      If I was a 20th century Japanese general, I would bomb Pearl Harbor too!

      If I was a 20th century American president, I would invade Vietnam too!

      If I were a Soviet premier, I would invade Afghanistan too!

      If I were a Western Union Exec in the 1800s, I would turn down patents for the newly invented Telephone because it has “no commercial possibilities” too!

      If I were George Bush and it was 2003, I would tell Iraqi insurgents to “bring it on” too!

      Reply to Comment
    40. Poyani

      If I were Ariel Sharon, I would stuff my face full of muffins too!

      Reply to Comment
    41. Poyani

      If I were Janet Jackson, I would expose my nipple on national TV too!

      Reply to Comment
    42. If I were a rich man, all day long I’d biddy biddy bum.

      If I were a wealthy man I wouldn’t have to work hard.

      On another note:

      If I were a Palestinian negotiator, I would not believe a word the Israeli defense minister said, either.

      Reply to Comment
    43. stephen marks

      Sorry to spoil the party but I don’t hear him say ‘if he were Iranian he’d probably want the bomb, too’. I hear him say that he understands the position of the other states especially Russia and China who won’t support sanctions on Iran for their own reasons.

      Of course this doesn’t alter the fact that if he were Iranian leader he would want the bomb – as do all the leaders of the Iranian opposition. And so did the Shah…

      Reply to Comment
    44. AYLA

      If I were The Remover… (thanks, Ami).

      Reply to Comment
    45. stephen marks

      correction – I’ve now read the full transcript at Mondoweiss. But the relevant bit does not seem to be in this clip

      Reply to Comment
    46. Henry Weinstein

      Actually Ehud Barak should be praised – and in Iran, this interview is praised by Iranians – for saying Iran does not want nuclear bombs only to please Hasbarah, but also because of Uncle Sam, British Petroleum, Russia, Pakistan, and if you were an Iranian you would add Saudi Arabia.

      Reply to Comment
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