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Izzie in HolyLand - Part 14: Let's get to know social media!

The IDF has decided to begin giving courses in social media after the Youtube-belly-dancing with blindfolded female prisoner episode. The courses are to be given by, of course, Ms. Izzie Holyland.

Izzie: Alright, listen up! Listen up! Everybody sit down! I want to get started. We’ve got a lot of material to go through today, and this is our first day of a 3-day workshop called “Understanding Social Media and How Not to Fuck Up Israel’s Image When Using It”. Alright, any questions before we get this show on the road?

Private Koshlinsky: Yes, Ms. Izzie, will there be a lunch break?

Izzie: Sit your fat ass on that chair and stop thinking about food Koshlinsky! You dimwit, we’ve got more important stuff to talk about. Jesus… OK. Anybody else?

Seargent Benayoun: Yeah, I’ve got an Arab outside in handcuffs, is it OK if I bring him in? I thought I’d poke him a bit with my pencil during class.

Izzie: No, you can’t bring him in! Some of this stuff is secret material, we don’t want it getting to the enemy. He can wait outside. Just make sure it’s in the sun.

Seargent Benayoun: Yes mam.

Izzie: OK. I want you all to take a look at this video, and then I’m going to ask you some questions. So look closely.

Izzie: OK. First question. What’s wrong with this video?

Private Koshlinsky: What that soldier did is degrading, immoral and is most probably a violation of the Geneva Convention.

Izzie: Koshlinsky, I swear to G-d, and this platoon is my witness, if you ever spew more shit like that in this workshop I’ll make sure you’ll do guard duty for the rest of your life. I’m serious. OK. Now, does anyone want to give me a serious answer?

Seargent Benayoun: Mam, I think the quality of the footage is terrible.

Izzie: Good point, Benayoun. Remember guys, when insulting prisoners, try to either use a camera with high-resolution capabilities before uploading to Youtube. Most people who saw this clip immediately concluded that Israelis are backward and retards who only film videos through cellphones. This type of damage will take years to clean up. Alright, anything else?

Quiet in the room

Izzie: What about the soldiers in the background laughing?

Seargent Benayoun: We can’t see them.

Izzie: Exactly. Bad directing. It would have been great if the photographer had panned to the right or left and shown how everybody was enjoying this. If you’re going to shoot with your phone, fine – but at least show that Israelis sing well and dance in sync with the background music. We don’t want the world thinking we’re all honky tonk Ashkenazim with no rhythm.
OK, we’ve talked about the film itself, but now let’s talk about using Youtube. What have we all learned from here? Anyone?

Quiet in the room

Izzie: OK, let’s say you’re at a checkpost and you’re not letting a woman in labor through because she might be wearing a suicide belt. You film her screaming inside the ambulance, she’s about to pop any second. If you feel that you must upload this to Youtube, remember to always change the settings so it can only be viewed by friends, and not the rest of cyberspace.

Seargent Benayoun: Mam, let’s say I filmed myself holding a pig on a leash next to some Arabs
I caught working their land, and I let the pig sniff their legs and stuff after I blindfolded them. Do I have to upload it to Youtube or can I just post the video itself to Facebook?

Izzie: Good question, Benayoun. I recommend you put it up on Youtube. I hate uploading to Facebook, it takes decades and then when I want to find it it’s hard to locate. Youtube is your best option and easy to link to. And hey, I want to see that clip!

Laughter in the class

Izzie: OK, let’s move to Facebook and Twitter. Let’s take a look at this clip. It’s one of my favorites. The soldiers here have really shown some creativity. Unfortunately it’s shot on a cellphone, but it does do well by filming everyone around, as I mentioned before. Also, the script is great – forcing a prisoner to say things like “Daddy went to work and will bring you a present” in a Persian accent? Excellent stuff.

Izzie: OK, so you took the video but you don’t want it to get into the wrong hands. When I say wrong hands, I mean anybody who votes left of Lieberman. How do I make sure this doesn’t happen?

Private Koshlinsky: How about not taking the video and respecting prisoners to begin with?

Izzie: Koshlinsky, are you fucking testing me!? Are you!?

Seargent Benayoun: Mam, you should also know that Koshlisnsky voted Kadima.

Izzie: Dammit Koshlinsky, drop and give me 50. NOW!
OK, back to Facebook. All you have to do is go to your account settings and make sure your privacy settings are set so that all the Koshlinsky’s and his faggot friends – you hear that Koshlinsky? – don’t spread the video to the rest of the world.

Seargent Rabinowitz: Mam, I have a question. I took a clip of my buddy blindfolding a Palestinian and laying him down on his stomach and then jumping on his back. But when I linked to it in Twitter the link was so long I barely had any room left to boast about it.

Izzie: OK, I get this one a lot. Here’s what you do. Download Tweetdeck or Hootsuite to your computer and post your statuses from there. It’ll give you a shortened URL, and you’ll have much more room for degradation.
OK, let’s wrap it up. I’ve got a treat for you, before I let you go.

Eden Abergil walks into the room. Applause and whistling ensue

Izzie: Alright, calm down! Calm down! I know you’re happy to see her, but Eden just wanted to say one thing before you guys leave today. Eden?

Eden: Thanks Ms. Holyland. Yeah, I just wanted to say that you guys are doing a great job defending our country and filming those insulting videos. I wish I could come back to the army, and do it all over again. That was the best time of my life.

Izzie: Thanks Eden. OK guys, I’ll see you tomorrow, we’ll be talking about how to upload clips faster while doing checkpoint duty. Take it easy!

(For more Izzie, click here)

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    COMMENTS

    1. Shelly

      Ami,
      This piece is brilliant. It is presented under “Humor” but really we all know it should be under “Tragedy.”

      Also, it should be added to the government-sponsored campaign called “Masbirim Israel”, a feeble attempt to paint a palatable picture of “ISREALITY”.

      Click below:

      http://masbirim.gov.il/eng/

      Reply to Comment
    2. Shelly – thanks. Tragedy indeed.

      Reply to Comment