+972 Exclusive: The transcript of last week’s State Department briefing on Israeli settlement building and U.S. efforts at restarting peace talks with the Palestinians. (Satire)
Transcript of above State department press conference (video above):
Associated Press: Ma’am, for many years now the common assumption has been that 2+2=4. Yet for some reason, your administration – and the ones before it – continue to say that 2+2=5. In light of growing evidence that the answer is indeed 4, will American policy on this equation change?
State Department spokesperson: Again, we are not saying that 2+2 does not equal 4. We’re just saying it equals 5, but it would be better if it equals 4.
AP: So, it equals 4 or it doesn’t?
SDS: I think I’ve made it very clear that we don’t accept the legitimacy that it equals 5. We encourage all sides to embrace the 4 option, even though 2+2=5 is actually the correct answer.
AP: But… but you always say that. You always say you’re not happy with the 5 option but nothing really ever changes, does it? You still say 2+2=5.
SDS: Yes, and that’s why I expressed my concern today.
AP: I’m trying to understand something. Because you and Secretary Kerry have said more than once that we should be optimistic that 2+2 actually does equal 4. But you don’t provide any evidence that suggests it actually does equal 4.
SDS: Our strategy is to keep these equations private. We believe that’s the best way to create an environment to bring all people to understand that it’s 4 and not 5.
AP: And what if that doesn’t work?
SDS: It’s worth the shot.
AP: Ma’am, maybe after all these years the U.S. should stay out of the equation? Shouldn’t there be some kind of consequence for people who say 2+2=5?
SDS: Well, our focus right now is not on consequences as much as working with everyone involved to reach 4. As I mentioned earlier, we find the 5 option very unhelpful, and Secretary Kerry will continue in his efforts to bring about the 4.
AP: But you’ve been stuck with this 5 for over 60 years. Shouldn’t you change your policy? Before some people say that 2+2=6?
SDS: That’s not the current plan. We’re having discussions and expressing concerns where needed.
AP: So, is it still U.S. policy that for those who say 2+2=4 there will be consequences?
SDS: You’re familiar with our policy, it hasn’t changed.
AP: So, in other words, there are no consequences for people who say 2+2=5, but there are for those who say 4. Correct?
SDS: Well, let’s just—
AP: — I just want to make sure I understand.
SDS: There’s no change in our policy on either front.
AP: So, U.S. policy, I just want to get this straight, is that 2+2=5.
SDS: Well, again, I think you’re referring to the correct equation and the understanding of that equation. Meaning, the answer is 4 but our understanding is 5.
AP: So, 2+2=5.
SDS: That’s not what I’m saying. But yes. Next!