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WATCH: U.S. State Department determined to prove that 2+2=5

+972 Exclusive: The transcript of last week’s State Department briefing on Israeli settlement building and U.S. efforts at restarting peace talks with the Palestinians. (Satire)

Transcript of above State department press conference (video above):

Associated Press: Ma’am, for many years now the common assumption has been that 2+2=4. Yet for some reason, your administration – and the ones before it – continue to say that 2+2=5. In light of growing evidence that the answer is indeed 4, will American policy on this equation change?

State Department spokesperson: Again, we are not saying that 2+2 does not equal 4. We’re just saying it equals 5, but it would be better if it equals 4.

AP: So, it equals 4 or it doesn’t?

SDS: I think I’ve made it very clear that we don’t accept the legitimacy that it equals 5. We encourage all sides to embrace the 4 option, even though 2+2=5 is actually the correct answer.

AP: But… but you always say that. You always say you’re not happy with the 5 option but nothing really ever changes, does it? You still say 2+2=5.

SDS: Yes, and that’s why I expressed my concern today.

AP: I’m trying to understand something. Because you and Secretary Kerry have said more than once that we should be optimistic that 2+2 actually does equal 4. But you don’t provide any evidence that suggests it actually does equal 4.

SDS: Our strategy is to keep these equations private. We believe that’s the best way to create an environment to bring all people to understand that it’s 4 and not 5.

AP: And what if that doesn’t work?

SDS: It’s worth the shot.

AP: Ma’am, maybe after all these years the U.S. should stay out of the equation? Shouldn’t there be some kind of consequence for people who say 2+2=5?

SDS: Well, our focus right now is not on consequences as much as working with everyone involved to reach 4. As I mentioned earlier, we find the 5 option very unhelpful, and Secretary Kerry will continue in his efforts to bring about the 4.

AP: But you’ve been stuck with this 5 for over 60 years. Shouldn’t you change your policy? Before some people say that 2+2=6?

SDS: That’s not the current plan. We’re having discussions and expressing concerns where needed.

AP: So, is it still U.S. policy that for those who say 2+2=4 there will be consequences?

SDS: You’re familiar with our policy, it hasn’t changed.

AP: So, in other words, there are no consequences for people who say 2+2=5, but there are for those who say 4. Correct?

SDS: Well, let’s just—

AP: — I just want to make sure I understand.

SDS: There’s no change in our policy on either front.

AP: So, U.S. policy, I just want to get this straight, is that 2+2=5.

SDS: Well, again, I think you’re referring to the correct equation and the understanding of that equation. Meaning, the answer is 4 but our understanding is 5.

AP: So, 2+2=5.

SDS: That’s not what I’m saying. But yes. Next!

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  • COMMENTS

    1. Shelly

      This is amazing. This is “Saturday Night Live” stuff (but better). This is what I personally need on a daily basis to ease the reality here with laughter – despite the fact that what you write is so real!!

      Reply to Comment
      • Thanks!

        Reply to Comment
    2. What a freak show.

      Reply to Comment
    3. Rawad Abdel Massih

      this is absolutely eye watering…I laughed my ass out. love those reporters. this will be the most ironic black comedy of the century.

      Reply to Comment
    4. danny

      BRILLIANT!!!!!

      Reply to Comment
    5. The Trespasser

      0 + 0 = 0
      ergo, 0*2 + 0*2 = 0*5
      ergo, 0*(2 + 2) = 0*5
      ergo, 2 + 2 = 5

      Reply to Comment
    6. emil

      The type of logic that this satire uses is known as a syllogistic logical error.

      The example below illustrates:

      All dogs have four legs; my cat has four legs. Therefore, my cat is a dog.

      Or

      Some people say that 2 + 2 = 5

      Some people say that Israel is right.

      Therefore some people (the people who support Israel) are wrong.

      Reply to Comment
      • JohnW

        Emil: this satire is more a comment about the ineptness of the State Department.

        Reply to Comment
    7. Emil

      Fair enough. I am prepared to be corrected but I will let the author speak for himself if he wants to. But if he disagrees with you John, then I stand by my original comment.

      Reply to Comment
      • Benji

        Some people haven’t got a sense of humor.

        Reply to Comment
    8. directrob

      Sir, as far as Israel is concerned US policy is still

      Reply to Comment
    9. Noevil9

      More than that we can’t hope for to tell us all who still have hope ( i am actually crying from pain)that there is “Logic” in the way the US is a real fair broker in this tragedy of land theft ‘injustice and disposession of a people from their homes. America,American president and politicians, they just read the script. Don’t think, don’t deviate, dont ask questions,just read the script,and leave the thinking to us. That is what Israel and its lobby tell the American puppets. They have no regard to who is listening, nor who is saying it. What is really amazing, we do it!

      Reply to Comment

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