If you’re not into negative reviews, this post isn’t for you.

On Saturday Karen and I took the kids up north to the grottos of Rosh Hanikra. After doing the classic cable car ride, we went to a cafe in nearby Nahariya we were at last year which we very much enjoyed.

BaNachala is located smack in a posh residential part of Nahariya, and is an excellent place for kids. They have a huge lawn with swings and slides, and you can eat while watching the kids fool around.

The place wasn’t full, but there was one table of 12 people, not including their kids, which seemed to prove quite a handful for the place. Though there seemed to be enough staff, we were not welcomed by anyone. Finally someone offered us a seat in the hot sun, which we refused – and nothing was done to find us alternative seating for the next few minutes.

Luckily the shift manager found us a shady spot. We waited a lengthy 10 minutes for our menus, and after we chose what we wanted Karen took the kids to the lawn.

One item that Karen chose was the hamburger. Outside of Tel Aviv I expect prices to be a bit lower, in most cases. Here the hamburger – of only 220 grams – cost 63 shekels. Without any toppings whatsoever.

I was immediately reminded of a scene from Pulp Fiction, where Vincent and Mia are at the restaurant, and she orders the 5 dollar shake.

Although I thought the price of the burger was outrageous. I had to see if it was worth it. I had to see, if I was going to react to that burger, after Karen gave me a bite, the same way Vincent Vega reacted after he took a sip from Mia’s shake.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zoJAc_aSM7E [/youtube]

But apparently, G-d had other plans. I waited another 10 minutes for a waitress to come, and when she finally arrived I began my order. I was cut off in the middle, told I could not order a burger because it wasn’t 12:30 yet.

We got up and left. Karen summed it up nicely with a Hebrew phrase, which translates literally into “The urine went to their heads”.

We took a drive to the nearest strip mall, and had an actually quite nice meal at Kakao, a chain. Everybody says they’re getting tired of the coffee chains, and going back to the private ones, the ones with character. You might want to reconsider. The waitresses were fast and efficient, gave amazing attention to the kids, the food was fresh and served quickly. And the burger was 20 shekels cheaper than BaNachala. Ha.

The Kaufman Critique for BaNachala: 0.2 stars out of 5!

The Welcome: 1
The Menu: 2
The Service: 0
The Cuisine Level: 0
Bang for Your Buck: 0

Over a week ago I asked two of my work buddies to join me for a business lunch. I work in the Ramat HaHayal area of North Tel Aviv, swamped with restaurants for all the hi-techers and their big apetites. I suggested we got to the local branch of Mike’s Place.

The Mike’s Place I usually go to is on the Tel Aviv boardwalk. Karen and I have been there dozens of times, before and after the attack. We go for the Anglo atmosphere, the good burgers and the half decent Mexican food.

I had already gone a few times to the branch near work, and came back fairly satisfied.

This time was different. First, we couldn’t understand why the staff was ordered to talk in English. Mike’s Place is  known to hire a lot of Anglos, but why was our Russian waitress speaking to us in English, when we clearly overheard her speaking in Hebrew to her colleagues?

But worst of all, my buddies and I waited 40 minutes for our food, and eventually decided to pick up and go. We left fuming.

As a former business owner myself, I know places have bad days. Which is why I’ll probably give Mike’s a second chance in a few months. But unlike baseball, Mike, with me it’s “two strikes you’re out”.

The Kaufman Critique for Mike’s Place (Ramat HaHayal) : 0.3 stars out of 5!

The Welcome: 1
The Menu: 3
The Service: 0
The Cuisine Level: 0
Bang for Your Buck: 0

The Welcome
1 Star: They couldn’t care less who walks in
2 Stars: Hi, hurry up my shift is almost over
3 Stars: Fairly warm welcome
4 Stars: I think they’re happy I came
5 Stars: We’re actually REALLY glad to see you

The Menu
1 Star: Yawn
2 Stars: Pretty much the usual shtantz
3 Stars: A few surprises
4 Stars: Very interesting
5 Stars: Wow,unique stuff

The Service
1 Star: What service?
2 Stars: Annoyingly slow\rude
3 Stars: Can’t complain, but nothing to write home about
4 Stars: Treated like a prince
5 Stars: Treated like a king

The Cuisine Level
1 Star: I suddenly feel bolemic
2 Stars: Do I have to pay for this
3 Stars: Oh well…
4 Stars: I actually quite enjoyed that
5 Stars: Whoa, you’ll be seeing me again and again

The Bang for Your Buck
1 Star: What a rip-off
2 Stars: Wasn’t worth the money
3 Stars: OK, I guess
4 Stars: You’ll be seeing me again!
5 Stars: Wow! I’m gonna give this place 5 stars!