The Kaufman Critique: Dinner and a movie at Herbert Samuel

The Kaufmans are surprised on their annual birthday dinner – but not by the food

It was the missus’ birthday on Wednesday, so we decided to treat ourselves to a fancy restaurant. As the one in charge of choosing the venue, I decided on a place called Herbert Samuel, which is just across the Herbert Samuel boardwalk overlooking the Mediterranean Sea.

The reason I wanted to go there was, well, it’s been on my list for a while now. But the real trigger was an article by the Haaretz food critic, Sagi Cohen on the new bistro called Yavne Montefiore, owned by renowned chef Yonatan Roshfeld. This piece got a lot of attention, because Roshfeld, who owns Herbert Samuel as well, attempted to prevent Cohen from sitting down and critiquing his new joint.

Immediately after Cohen sat down that day, a waitress told him that Roshfeld wanted to have a few words with him outside. Roshfeld was awaiting, drink and cigar in hand, and told Cohen that he doesn’t want him to review the new bistro, because of the bad review Cohen gave Herbert Samuel when it just opened. When Cohen tried to answer, here’s what happened:

“Herbert Samuel”, he interrupted me, “is the best restaurant in Israel”. “This may be”, I replied, “but there are other opinions”. “There are no other opinions”, he waved me off with his burning cigar, “I understand food and I’m telling you that Herbert Samuel is the best restaurant in the country”. I decided to refrain from telling him where that puts his other two restaurants.

So, I guess that was the trigger. Needles to say, the missus and I knew we weren’t going to get as much action as Cohen did. But boy, were we wrong.

As we entered, we were immediately seated at a small table for two. Looking around, the place was not as awe inspiring design-wise as were expecting. It was actually quite boring, the furniture looked old (my chair even had some stains on it) and the acoustics were quite horrid.

A few minutes after we made our order, we saw some flashing lights outside. Suddenly, the red ambulance lights and the blue police lights gave an odd disco feel to the place. Together with everybody screaming because of the acoustics, it could have been your typical Tel Aviv dance-bar.

We tried not to give too much attention to the mess outside as our first courses arrived. We took the Marakesh steak tartar and Balkan Shrimp salad.

The Kaufman Critique: Dinner and a movie at Herbert Samuel
Marakesh steak tartar

The tartar was just a tad spicy yet fairly tasty, the quality of the meat was high. The portion itself was a bit too small to my liking, and the odd green sauce on the side, spread so thin you could barely touch it, didn’t really add to the dish.

The Kaufman Critique: Dinner and a movie at Herbert Samuel
Balkan shrimp salad. Can you help Ami find the shrimp?

The shrimp salad only had three little shrimp. In my opinion, if you want to call a salad a shrimp salad, it should have as least as much shrimp as it does leaves. Nonetheless, this salad was quite tasty. The shrimp was done perfectly, and the whole dish was served on a tsaziki style yohgurt, which gave the whole concoction a wonderful flavor.

Meanwhile, they closed the street outside. We asked our waiter what was going on, and he wisely replied: “Do you really want to know, or did you come to enjoy yourselves?” I thought that was an appropriate question, thanked him and said we were ready for the main course.

The Kaufman Critique: Dinner and a movie at Herbert Samuel
Filet mignon
The Kaufman Critique: Dinner and a movie at Herbert Samuel
Asian Spare ribs

The missus had a filet mignon, which was done to perfection – yet for some reason we both felt it was nothing to write home about. My ribs were pretty much the same. Great sweet and sour sauce, nice amount of spice to it, very juicy meat with the right amount of fat surrounding it – but still, just no wow effect.

The Kaufman Critique: Dinner and a movie at Herbert Samuel
Fistook's House

That wow effect was missing with dessert, too. It was called “Fistook’s House” (fistook is Hebrew for pistachio), named after the famous Israeli kids show from the 80’s. I grew up on that show. Hmmm… might explain a few things, now that I think about it.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZ3AjFMwgus[/youtube]

So, it was basically pistachio ice cream, served on a tropical fruit salad, with some round baklawa on the side to give the whole thing some crunch. A good, solid dessert. Nothing more.

Anyway, when you pay the kind of money that you do at Herbert Samuel ,you expect a bit more than just good food. You expect that wow effect.

Now that both of us could no longer hold back our curiosity, I told the missus to open up the smartphone and see what happened:

One dead in Tel Aviv shooting incident

Right outside the restaurant. They missed us by just a few minutes. I knew I had enemies because of +972, but guys, come on…

The Kaufman Critique: Dinner and a movie at Herbert Samuel
The cops outside

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The Kaufman Critique for Herbert Samuel (Tel Aviv boardwalk) : 3.5 stars out of 5!

The Welcome: 4
The Menu: 3
The Service: 4
The Cuisine Level: 4
Bang for Your Buck: 2

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The Kaufman System
The Welcome
1 Star: They couldn’t care less who walks in
2 Stars: Hi, hurry up my shift is almost over
3 Stars: Fairly warm welcome
4 Stars: I think they’re happy I came
5 Stars: We’re actually REALLY glad to see you

The Menu
1 Star: Yawn
2 Stars: Pretty much the usual shtantz
3 Stars: A few surprises
4 Stars: Very interesting
5 Stars: Wow,unique stuff

The Service
1 Star: What service?
2 Stars: Annoyingly slow\rude
3 Stars: Can’t complain, but nothing to write home about
4 Stars: Treated like a prince
5 Stars: Treated like a king

The Cuisine Level
1 Star: I suddenly feel bolemic
2 Stars: Do I have to pay for this
3 Stars: Oh well…
4 Stars: I actually quite enjoyed that
5 Stars: Whoa, you’ll be seeing me again and again

The Bang for Your Buck
1 Star: What a rip-off
2 Stars: Wasn’t worth the money
3 Stars: OK, I guess
4 Stars: You’ll be seeing me again!
5 Stars: Wow! I’m gonna give this place 5 stars!