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Izzie in HolyLand

  • Izzie in HolyLand - Part 23: Europe can go shtup themselves

    Izzie in HolyLand is back after the Europeans decide to go all the way with their response to building in E1 and... reprimand! Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! Izzie: Yes Ruthie? Ruthie: Ms. Holyland, Prime Minister David Cameron for you on line 1. Izzie: OK. Cameron: Ms. Holyland? Izzie: Yes, David, how are you? Cameron: I’m good, I’m good. Thank you. Izzie: Mazel Tov on the baby. Cameron: Excuse me? Izzie: The baby, the baby! You know, Katie and Will’s? Cameron: Ah, of course. Yes, yes. Thank you so much Ms. Holyland. If I may, I’m calling you on another topic. Izzie: Sure, go…

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  • Izzie in HolyLand - part 22: Spring cleaning in autumn?

    After a six-month hiatus, Izzie’s back in town. And she’s well prepared. For any event. Ring, ring!!!! (Actually, it happens to be the Pina Colada ringtone....) Izzie: Yes? Ruthie: Ms. Holyland, I’ve been trying to call you for weeks, where are you? The +972 readers are complaining, and the cellular company says your number is unavailable. Are you OK? Izzie: Yeah, Ruthie. I’m fine. I’m in my mamad, that’s probably why there wasn’t any reception. Ruthie: Mam, why are you in your mamad? Izzie: Oh, no reason really. Spring cleaning, I guess. Ruthie: But it’s autumn. Izzie: Ruthie! Is there…

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  • Izzie in HolyLand - part 21: Hell freezes over in Israel

    Izzie: Ruthie! Get me the minister of interior security in here! Ruthie: Yes Mam! Yitzhak Aharonovitz: Mam, you called for me? Izzie: Yeah. Sit down, Yitzhak. Aharonovitz: What can I do for you? Izzie: I just read about this brutal murder in Jaffa. Aharonovitz: Oh yeah, that. Five members of the XXX family. Terrible, terrible. Izzie: And there’s no suspect? Aharonovitz: Nope. But I can promise you we’ll do everything we can. Izzie: I want you to do more. Aharonovitz: Such as? Izzie: Well, I saw what happened in Awarta after the murder of the Fogel family from Itamar. Aharonovitz:…

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  • Izzie in HolyLand - Part 20: Lieberman "stools" to new low

      (To fully enjoy this post, YOU MUST first listen to this short 15 second audio clip. The link is for a Hebrew website, but the audio link is clearly visible on the top, with the standard “play” button next to a small picture of Avigdor Lieberman. In this link, you will hear from which location our beloved Foreign Minister chose to conduct his latest radio interview concerning the flare up with Hamas.) Izzie calls Minister for Foreign Affairs Avigdor Lieberman, but apparently catches him at a bad time. And then she does it again - with someone else... Izzie:…

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  • Izzie in HolyLand - Part 19: I love the smell of terror in the spring!

    Ruthie, Izzie's secretary, has the tough job of informing her boss about the explosion in Jerusalem Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz . Ruthie: Ms. Holyland, I’ve got some bad news. Izzie: What is it Ruthie? Did Bob Dylan cancel already? Ruthie: No, Mam. The police just called. There’s been a bombing in Jerusalem, and one person has been killed. Izzie: YES!!!!!!! I mean, SHIT! That’s horrible! Ruthie: Mam, it kinda sounds like you’re happy... Izzie: I’m sorry, Ruthie... Well, maybe I am, just a bit. Oh, this is wonderful news.... do you know how long I’ve been waiting for some terror? Ruthie: Uhhmmm....No Mam....…

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  • Izzie in HolyLand - Part 18: Egyptian revolution raises tough issues

    As Izzie watches events unfold in Cairo, it begins to dawn on her just how precarious this new situation is Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! Ruth: Yes, Ms. HolyLand? Izzie: Ruth, get me all seven kitchen cabinet ministers in here. Pronto! Ruth: Yes, Ms. HolyLand, right away. In walk Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, Defense Minister Ehud Barak, Foreign Minister Avigdor Lieberman, Minister of Strategic Affairs Moshe (Bogie) Ya’alon, Interior Minister Eli Yishai, Intelligence Minister Dan Meridor and Minister of Nothing Benny Begin. Izzie: I want to thank you all for coming on such short notice. But I’d like to talk to you about something…

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  • Izzie in HolyLand - Part 17: JAWS!

    Izzie has a hunch the Mossad is up to no good again Izzie is quietly munching on a Turkish burekas as she suddenly sees a bizarre link on her Facebook page to a news item from the Egyptian media, claiming the Mossad is behind the latest spate of shark attacks in Sinai. “Speaking on the public TV program "Egypt Today" yesterday, a specialist introduced as "Captain Mustafa Ismael, a famous diver in Sharm El Sheikh," said that the sharks involved in the attack are ocean sharks and do not live in Egypt's waters. When asked by the anchor how the…

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  • Izzie in HolyLand - Part 16: A phone call to remember

    Izzie and Foreign Minister Avigdor Lieberman are discussing strategies to continue obstructing the all but vanishing peace process, when suddenly the phone rings Izzie: So listen, Avigdor, I’ve been thinking... I’m kinda spooked about this whole unilateral thing the Palestinians are planning. I mean, whaddya think, do they have a chance with the UN? Will Obama support a declaration of independence? Avigdor: Nyet. Izzie:... Avigdor:.... Izzie: That’s it? “Nyet”? That’s all you have to say? I’m serious, Avigdor, we gotta be prepared for this, don’t you think you could you elaborate just a bit? Avigdor: Nyet. Izzie:.... Avigdor:... Izzie:.... Avigdor:....…

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  • Izzie in HolyLand - Part 15: The Chinese are coming!

    The Israeli army will be collaborating with the Chinese, and Izzie wants in on it Bzzzzzz! Izzie: What is it Ruthie. Ruthie: Ms. Holyland, the IDF spokesperson is here to see you, Brigadier General Avi Benayahu. Izzie: Right, I almost forgot about that one. Thanks Ruthie, send him in. Benayahu walks in Benayahu: Good morning Ms. Holyland. Izzie: Jesus Avi, I thought I told you to cut down on the burekas. You look like crap. Benayahu: Yes, Ms. Holyland. I’m sorry, I’ll try to keep them to a minimum. Izzie: Good. Look, yesterday I caught this item about you guys…

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  • Izzie in HolyLand - Part 14: Let's get to know social media!

    The IDF has decided to begin giving courses in social media after the Youtube-belly-dancing with blindfolded female prisoner episode. The courses are to be given by, of course, Ms. Izzie Holyland. Izzie: Alright, listen up! Listen up! Everybody sit down! I want to get started. We’ve got a lot of material to go through today, and this is our first day of a 3-day workshop called “Understanding Social Media and How Not to Fuck Up Israel’s Image When Using It”. Alright, any questions before we get this show on the road? Private Koshlinsky: Yes, Ms. Izzie, will there be a…

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  • Izzie in HolyLand - Part 12: The Press Conference

    Regev: Ms. Holyland, it's time to go. Izzie: Shut up Mark, I know it's time to go. Don't push me around, it's my ass they're gonna grill out there - not yours. Regev: Sorry, Ms. Holyland. But look at it this way: we're prepared. We have answers for everything. Just look at the papers if you forget something, everything's there. Izzie: Almost everything. There's still that one question we don't have an answer for. One question that could ruin the whole thing, you dimwit. Regev: Well, maybe they won't ask it... maybe they'll forget. Izzie: Jesus, I'm surrounded by morons. I'm not doing…

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