Appreciate this article? +972 depends on your support -- click here to help us keep going

Analysis News

Palestinians plan demos in order to ruin Jewish holidays with tear gas

Israeli media reports that Jewish settlers are complaining the tear gas from the weekly Friday demos across the West Bank is ruining their Sabbaths. +972 is revealing today that in fact this is a result of a new Palestinian strategy to be shot at during not only Fridays, but ahead of every holiday on the Jewish calendar.

An Israeli soldier shoots tear gas into a crowd of Palestinian protesters in Hebron. March 31, 2013 (Ryan Rodrick Beiler/Activestills.org)

As reported this week, settlers in the West Bank are complaining that tear gas fired at Palestinians during weekly unarmed protests gets carried by the wind to their settlements and creates major discomfort for them on Fridays.

But +972 has found out that this is only the tip of the iceberg. According to anonymous sources, Palestinians are planning to demonstrate on the eve of every Jewish holiday, besides Erev Shabbat, to make the chag as unbearable as they can.

27-year-old “M”, from Nabi Saleh, told +972: “We are interested in making the settlers suffer as much as possible, so we have decided to meet the army head-on every, how you call it – Erev Chag? Inshallah the army will pound us with as much gas as possible. I hope I nearly suffocate.”

When asked what would happen if the gas would drift into his village and not the nearby settlement, M responded: “It’s a chance we’re willing to take. If this Shavuot we manage to make one cheese cake bring tears to a family’s eyes – our job is done.”

“A”, 34, from Bilin: “We will demonstrate this Shavuot, and Tisha B’av and Rosh Hashana! I will go straight up to the IDF jeeps and risk a rubber bullet if it means a settler may whiff some tear gas! I am willing to risk my life so that next Channukah the settlers will cry over every latke they fry.”

Settlers are already reacting to the news, asking the IDF to respond appropriately. “We demand the IDF cease shooting tear gas canisters at high arcs, since the gas floats much more easily that way in our direction,” said Yehuda Cohen from Halamish. “If the IDF truly cares about Jews and their holidays, they’ll shoot the canisters directly at their bodies, with no arc at all.”

Yocheved Bar-Yehuda, also of Halamish, said that “I swear to God, if my cheese strudel with raisins, from my grandmother’s recipe who survived Auschwitz, even smells of tear gas – I will personally erect a new outpost and call it ‘Givat Cheese,’ or ‘Maale Strudel’.”

The IDF responded, “our guidelines for tear gas fire have not changed: direct fire at Palestinians is allowed only after every B’Tselem camera has been broken. We’re not taking any chances, even if it means some holiday tears.”
—————-
(The above is satire)

For additional original analysis and breaking news, visit +972 Magazine's Facebook page or follow us on Twitter. Our newsletter features a comprehensive round-up of the week's events. Sign up here.

View article: AAA
Share article
Print article

TAGS:

  • COMMENTS

    1. Shelly

      Great stuff Ami! So skillfully written that I thought it was for real. Or have I been living here for so long that I think anything’s possible….

      Reply to Comment
    2. Lovely, sharp satire – as good as the Onion in the US.

      Reply to Comment
    3. Yuck Yuck!

      Yuck yuck!

      That’s so funny. Because we know how respectful the left is of Jewish holidays.

      Like when you Leftists slaughtered a room full of Holocaust survivors at their Seder, yuck yuck! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passover_massacre

      Or when the Soviet Union-backed pro-”Palestinian” government of Syria attacked Israel on Yom Kippur in 1972, hahaha!

      That’s what makes satire like this so effective. Its absurdity! Because we all know how respectful the “Palestinians” and their co-conspirators are of religious and cultural sensitivities. Just ask the thriving Jewish communities all over the Leftist and Quranic world.

      Not like those meanie Apartheid Israelis. BOO!! If only Israel could learn to treat its minorities, the way that Jews are treated in Mecca and Mälmo.

      Reply to Comment
      • Kamil Hamid

        It’s satire, you numbskull.

        Reply to Comment
        • Yuck Yuck Yuck

          Agreed.

          Its great satire! And FUNNY!

          It’s like a “Palestinian” comedian making jokes about schoolbuses (I’ve heard they are explosive! LOL!). Or a devout Mohammedan holding a cartoon contest about the Holocaust (Hajj Amin al-Husseini killed them in Berlin, I’ve been told! Ha ha ha!).

          Jokes about the 1400 years of Quranic persecution of His people is FUN! NEE! “Khaybar! Badoom cha.” Ha ha ha

          Kamil: True satire is subtle – such as when supporters of “Palestine” hilariously lecture others about human rights. Or when Leftists ‘protest’ against sound economy policies even as their compatriots are starving to death north and south of the border. That’s satire!

          Queers for “Palestine”! Anti-Imperialists for the Khaliphate! = Satire

          “Isn’t it funny when “Palestinians” kill kuffar on their holidays?” = Not so much

          Reply to Comment
          • dany

            Hahaha Great demonstration how you understand NOTHING

            Reply to Comment
          • Yuck Yuck Yuck

            I understand perfectly.

            Every major synagogue in the world requires metal detectors and security guards to protect the Jews from genocidal violence by Leftists.

            We just lived through a century where “Palestinians” and their allies slaughtered around 6 million Jews in Europe and systematically exterminated the Jewish population of MENA.

            But, yeah, its really funny to talk about Quranic oppression of Kuffar. Hah Hah Hah! LOL!

            Hey, if you guys really want a funny, ironic Shavuot, why don’t you go out and slaughter another innocent Jewish family in their beds, like you Leftists did to the Fogels and Holzbergs – that’ll show ‘em! Hee hee hee

            Reply to Comment
          • directrob

            As far as the Israeli/Palestinian conflict is concerned I am not so good at recognising satire. Are you trying to suggest that the left is (partly) responsible for the killing of Jews during WWII and now inside Israel?

            Reply to Comment
          • Yuck Yuck Yuck

            I am arguing that the left – and especially the Israeli Left – is directly responsible for the wave of genocidal antisemitism that the “Palestinians” unleashed against the Jewish world this past century.

            That was true of Soviet Russia’s “anti-Zionist” purges; that was true about the systematic extermination of Jewry in MENA; that is true about the persecution of Jews in Leftist areas of Europe and the West.

            And it’s especially true of Hajj Amin al-Husseini’s merger of “Palestine” with Nazism. The “Palestinians” directly engineered the Holocaust and together with the pro-”Palestinians” Left were responsible for the eradication of Ashkenazi and North African Jewry.

            The Left and their “Palestinian” allies bear full responsibility for all of that.

            You Leftists chose to merge with the Ummah. An absurd situation, I agree, given how everything the “Palestinians” stand for (other than their genocidal antisemitic violence) contradicts your supposedly core principles. But that’s where we are in 2013.

            What do you think, directorbob? Do you think the Tsarnaev and Awad brothers were neocons? Do you think the your allies in the Leftist Ikhwan (the Mohammedan wing of the Nazi Party) are a Zionist conspiracy? Do you think the Ikhwan (the Mohammedan wing of the Nazi Party) were elected by huge pluralities in order to promote Neo-liberal economic policies?

            Reply to Comment
          • directrob

            Thank you for your explanation. Given your views there is nothing constructive I can add.

            Reply to Comment
          • dany

            Ah, I see the Palestinians were the puppetmasters behind the Shoah and Germans were innocent tools. I always knew Nazis only wanna do good, damned Arabs.

            Just one question: Is yuckyuckyuck the noise you always hear inside your head repeatedly?

            Reply to Comment
    4. I still can’t quite believe that the original Arutz7 article isn’t satire, especially when it talks about the risk that tear gas poses to pregnant women and people with respiratory problems. My boss’s mother miscarried during her sixth month after a canister was fired into her stationary car. She was very lucky not to suffer worse health complications than she did. I may have to copy that sentence out and put it on a banner if I go demonstrating anywhere – it is nice to have these cross-community statements against hazards posed by army repression.

      Reply to Comment
    5. Oh, the painful laughter….

      (Once again, Vicky amazes me.)

      Reply to Comment

    LEAVE A COMMENT

    Name (Required)
    Mail (Required)
    Website
    Free text

© 2010 - 2014 +972 Magazine
Follow Us
Credits

+972 is an independent, blog-based web magazine. It was launched in August 2010, resulting from a merger of a number of popular English-language blogs dealing with life and politics in Israel and Palestine.

Website empowered by RSVP

Illustrations: Eran Mendel